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My name is Earl.

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[Earl Narrating]
One of the great things about the Crab Shack...

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people come by when they got
something exciting to share.

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Great news!
My stalker just got hit by a bus!

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He's paralyzed from the waist down!

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Congratulations.

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Good news! Saw the new family.

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I'm still the hottest mom
in the trailer park.

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Congratulations!

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Good news! I'm not pregnant!

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Congratulations! Congratulations!

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Congratulations!

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[Earl Narrating] Hearing about a pregnancy
reminded me of something on my list-

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got the babysitter pregnant.

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When I was growing up,
Fridays were square-dancing night.

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The first week, I lit a bale of straw on fire
so I'd get banned.

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- [Door Closes]
- I did it for two reasons-

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first, because square dancing is lame...

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and second, 'cause we had
a hot new babysitter...

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Rachel Magann.

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Earl, what do you want for dinner?

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- How about we just grab a bottle
of wine and sit outside?
- [Rachel Laughs]

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I desperately wanted Rachel to like me,
so I used my best moves on her.

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Hey, Rachel. Forgot you were here.

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Probably 'cause I was
working out so hard in my bedroom.

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[Rachel Laughs]

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She was my first love,
but I didn't know if she liked me back.

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[Headset]
# Sweet home Alabama #

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Um... what are you listening to?

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Oh, it's this band, Lynyrd Skynyrd!
You have to hear this!

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# Sweet home Alabama #

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# Lord, I'm comin' home to you #

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Now that our ears had touched,
I knew it was time to make my move.

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## [Continues]

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[Exhales]

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- Time for bed, Earl.
- I brought Risky Business.

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Oh, I love that movie.

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And maybe afterwards,
a little frisky business.

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Ohh!
[Chuckles]

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[TV]
#Just take those old records off the shelf#

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[Earl Narrating] That son of a bitch ruin
[...]
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