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You know the kind of guy
who does nothing but bad things...


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and then wonders why
his life sucksΠ


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Well, that was me. Every time
somethin' good happened to me...


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somethin' bad was always waitin'
around the corner.


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Karma.

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That's when I realized
I had to change.


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So I made a list
of everything bad I've ever done...


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and, one by one,
I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.


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I'm just tryin'to be
a better person.


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My name is Earl.

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Ω Earl Narrating Φ As important as it is for me
to cross things off my list...


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it's also important to take time out
to enjoy the finer things in life...


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like jumpin' a tiny motorcycle
over my brother's head.


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I'm excited. I'm gonna stick my tongue out
to see if he touches it.

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But you gotta tell me what it looks like
'cause I'm too scared to keep my eyes open.

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Earl, we got a problem.

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- Ow.
- Jesse's back.

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Ω Earl Narrating Φ The Jesse Joy was talkin'
about was my ex-girlfriend.


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She was also number 145
on my list.


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I first met Jesse
at her workplace.


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In business terms, I was what
they call a repeat customer.


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You keep this up, I'm gonna have to
rename this place Hickey Bail Bonds.

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Well, as an investor, I'm gonna have to ask you
to institute a no nut-kicking policy. OwΞ

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Well, as an investor, I'm gonna have to ask you
to institute a no nut-kicking policy. OwΞ

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- OohΞ Ω Chuckles Φ
- Sorry about that.

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Here. You can use
my nut ice for your head.

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It's only been on
the outside of my pants.

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Aren't you a gentleman.

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Ω Earl Narrating Φ
It was love at first sight.


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So we started hangin' out.

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In fact, Jesse was the first person to ever
let me jump her with a tiny motorcycle.


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She even got along with Randy...

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who finally found someone
who enjoyed Mad Libs as much as he did.


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- Ω Randy Φ Okay, read it back.
- Okay.


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"Once upon a time, there was a butt princess
who lived in a beautiful butt castle."

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- Ω Laughing Φ
-"Until one day she was captured
by a fire-breathing butt. "


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Ω Gasping Φ

[...]
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