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You know the kind of guy who confesses
to a crime he didn't commit...


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so his ex-wife
won't have to go to prison?


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The kind of guy who leaves
his brother all alone...


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and his friends
with nothin'tojump for?


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Well, that's me.
And for the next two years...


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my name is inmate number 28301-016.

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I survived my first night in prison,
but I was terrifiied...


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wondering what the next
729 days had in store.


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But I was hopin'I'd be okay, since I had my
good friend Ralph with me to watch my back.


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Hey, Ralph.

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Come on. Out of your bunk.
Hands off junk.

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Oh, my God.

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Hey, buddy. If you're readin'this,
by now you know I'm long gone.


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I had to get out of
this godforsaken hellhole.


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I would have taken you with me, but I got
hungry last night, and I ate the other melon.


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Sorry about that.
Your buddy, Ralph.


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P.S. I made a mouth hole
in the melon for you, if you get my drift!


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Rock and roll!

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Turns out Ralph paroled himself...

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and left me with nothin' but a broken
watermelon head and a lot of explaining to do.


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- Hey!
- Escape attempt, Cell Block 7.

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Oh, no. No, no, no!
No, no, no, no!

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- Lockdown.
Lockdown. Escape attempt.


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Move it.

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Since there was a hole in my cell,
I was moved to general population.


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So I went from sharin'a private cell
with my childhood friend...


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tojoinin'a two-year slumber party
with murderers and rapists.


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#I don't have
your lovin'anymore #


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I'd been to county lockup
plenty of times but never been to prison.


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And prison life
took some gettin'used to.


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A typical day in prison can be broken down
into several activities.


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First, you wake up and make sure nothing's
happened to your two most important things.


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Next, you head over to
the mess hall for breakfast.


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Hey. Gonna eat your steak?

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Then you spend most of
your day tryin'not to get too bored.


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- Seven.
- No.

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- Three.
- No.

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[...]
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