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Kids, when you're single all you're looking for is happily ever after.

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but only one of your stories can end that way.

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The rest end with someone getting hurt.

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This is one of those stories, and it starts with a shirt.

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A shirtΠ

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Just listen, because none of this would have happened if it hadn't been for that shirt.

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Nice shirt.

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- RightΠ RightΠ
- Look at those colors.

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Green and brown, together at last.

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Hot top, broΞ
Is it newΠ

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That's the crazy part.
I've had this shirt for like six years.

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Until this morning, I wasn't into it at all,

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but now, it's like my tastes have changed.

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- Booger.
- Yes, hello, Barney.

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Barney's offered me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.

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Not some stupid word-- "booger."

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But I'm not doing it.
I am a journalist.

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WhatΠΞ JournalistΠΞ

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You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news.

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Old people. Babies. Monkeys.
That's not journalism.

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That's just... things in a diaper.

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For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to...

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the city hall beat.

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City hallΠ Miss Thing.

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So I'm not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.

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Of course not.

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'cause now you're saying "nipple," and it's a hundred.

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Step into my web.

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Whose bourbon is thisΠ

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Ooh, I don't know.
It was here when we sat down.

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The point is...
I seem to like bourbon now.

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I could've sworn I hated bourbon.

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First the shirt, now bourbon.

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I spent 27 years making up my mind about things, rightΠ

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The movie I saw once and hated;

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the city I'll never go back to 'cause it was raining the day I visited.

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Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions.

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You're finally gonna watch Goonies againΠ

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"Sloth love Chunk."

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Not Goonies-- girls.

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What if there's someone from my past

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who I thought was wrong for me at the time,

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when in fact she, like this shirt,
is actually a pe
[...]
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