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Previously on
The Hard Times of RJ Berger...


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I need you to promise
this is really gonna happen.

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I promise, Lily.

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Jenny's been my dream girl
since, like, third grade.

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I have to go with her.

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This isn't right.

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Go be with her.

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For the lord is my Shepherd,

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and I his faithful sheep,

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following his mighty
rod and staff,

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bending to his will,

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eating his flesh...

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And as Vigo the Carpathian said
in Ghostbusters II,


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death is but a doorway.
Time is but a window.

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I'll be back.

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Friends, loved ones,

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let us all
share a moment of silence

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for a young soul taken too soon.

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Everybody knows
someone who's died.

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That should have been me.

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Pull yourself together, man.
Damn.

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Some go tragically,
some heroically.

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And some when their scooters

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crash through a plate glass
window at a doughnut shop.

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Why, lord?

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Why you had to take my baby?

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Did you know Kevin was black?

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He was adopted, 〈bleep〉.

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Sorry.

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Now let's send our beloved Kevin

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to his rest
by spreading his ashes

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over this beautiful hillside,

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where he once ran
and leapt as a child.

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Before his legs could no longer
support the weight

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of his giant...heart.

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Sometimes the difference
between life and death

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comes down to one moment,
one choice.

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Off you go, son,

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to run and leap with Jesus.

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Oh!

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Aah!

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My baby!

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Oh!
No, no, no, no.

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Ma'am, ma'am...

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Oh!

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Ma'am, ma'am, no.

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Ma'am, that's not Kevin,
that's me. Ouch.

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That's attached to him, okay?

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Oh, sorry I'm late, bitches.

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It's kind of hard to walk

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when your pelvis is where
your nipples used to be.

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Hi, baby!

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[...]
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