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It seems today that all you see

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Is violence in movies and sex on TV

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But where are those
good old-fashioned values


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On which we used to rely?

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Lucky there's a family guy

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Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do


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All the things that make us

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Laugh and cry

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He's a family guy

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I must say
I do feel a strange satisfaction...

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watching the black ball topple
all those self-righteous white pins.

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Can't blame them for being self-righteous.

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The black ball's
in their neighborhood uninvited.

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The black ball's done nothing wrong.

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If the black ball's innocent,
it has nothing to fear.

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Wonder what the hell's down there.

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Judd Hirsch?

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Hey.

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What's going on?

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Nothing.

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All right.

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Hi, boys. Your ride is here.

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Hey, you're just in time.
Mort's one ball away from a perfect game.

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Oh, God. The pressure's too much.

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I just lost control of my bladder.

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Why didn't I clothespin the end
of my penis like Muriel told me to?

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Oh, my God. You bowled a perfect game.

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I just never stopped believing.
Say no to acid.

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Jeez, relax, Mort.
You'd think you were God himself.

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No, he's over there.

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Hey, you want to see what I can do?
All right, ready? Check it out.

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Beer, glass. All right, now watch this.

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Oh, hey.
Guess I'll go over here for a minute.

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Oh, holy crap!

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That's still pouring itself. Oh, wow.
That's amazing.

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I've never seen anyone do that.
You want to go out later?

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I'll be right back. I'm gonna go tinkle.

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Okay, everybody ready?
Hey, where's Quagmire?

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Would you just sit down
and go to the bathroom already?

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A scandal at
the Quahog Bowling Alley tonight...


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where a local man, Glenn Quagmire...

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was charged with peeping
in the ladies'room.


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Coming up, Diane's weight.

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He's all yours, Joe.

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You're lucky I've got some extra pul
[...]
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