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This programme contains
strong language

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This programme contains adult humour

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Subtitles downloaded from www.SubsMax.com

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Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome to the stage Greg Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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How lovely. Thank you very much.

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Hello, hello, hello, all right?
Hello. ALL: Hello.

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Thanks for coming, nice to be here.

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Um... Yes, well, there we are.

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A quick flash through my childhood

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and there is the horrific
up-to-date specimen.

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Nice to have this immortalised.

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Hello. ALL: Hello.

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I'll apologise, before we start,
for this shirt.

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As you can see, it is clearly for
a man three feet shorter than me.

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I thought I'd got away with it
because I've done

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that classic fat-man thing of
combining an ill-fitting shirt

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with a T-shirt,

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not realising that this
clearly also doesn't fit me.

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I can only apologise to you
and the people at home, indeed.

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As I get more animated during
the show, as I surely will...

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I don't know what that was.

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..you're going to see a lot more
of me than you bargained for.

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I'm very sorry. The only thing
I can offer to put ladies at ease

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is that I am of
no sexual threat whatsoever.

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I'm 42 years of age, I literally
have to hit it with nettles.

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Sex with me these days is akin
to thumbing marshmallows

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into the anus of a cat.

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Thought I'd start low, build it up.

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There's kind of two versions
of the show - clean and dirty.

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I'm going to go with dirty,
based on that reaction.

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My show, ladies and gentlemen, is
called Firing Cheeseballs At A Dog.

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Why is that, Greg?
Why is that, Greg? I'll tell you.

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I went on holiday last year with
a friend and colleague of mine,

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Marek Larwood. Yay!
He's a small bald man. There we are.

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Some people know him,
he's hilarious. We decided...

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And this is an insult to every
person in the country with a job.

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We decided, last year,

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that through our work, we had
become incredibly stressed.

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Now, look at what I do for a living.
It's not hard work, right?

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We thought we were

[...]
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