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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please will you welcome onto the stage

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Simon Amstell!

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(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

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(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)

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Hello.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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(MAN WOLF-WHISTLING)

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Thank you.

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How are you? Are you okay? You all right?

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Well, this is fun, isn't it?
This is sort of a fun thing to be doing.

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This is fun. It's fun, right?

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I'm quite lonely. Let's start with that.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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Nothing can be done about it,
people of Dublin. Nothing can be done.

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I bought a new flat about two years ago.

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In this flat, in the bathroom,
there are two sinks.

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I thought that would bring me some joy.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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It is a constant reminder.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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And so what I've had to do...
This is what I'm doing now in my life.

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I'm actually doing this.

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I'm using both sinks.

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I now, every day,
brush my teeth in the left sink,

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and in the right one, mainly cry.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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I think the problem comes from the inability
to be purely in the moment without fear.

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I think we're all stuck in the past,
and looking to the future.

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And it's in the moment where true joy exists.
It's in the moment where love can occur.

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It's only in the moment where
you can be fully at one with the universe.

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I was in Paris recently,
with a new group of people,

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one of which was quite a sort of
kooky, interesting girl,

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although, in hindsight, not that interesting.

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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I always get fooled.
I always think, "Oh, she seems fascinating."

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Is she, Simon?
Or does she just have short hair?

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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Completely fascinated, and I'm thinking,
"Oh, I'll talk to her for the rest of my life."

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Bored after 10 minutes.

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"You should grow your hair
and stop misleading people."

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(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

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So she suggests,
at about 3:00 in the morning,

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that we all run up the Champs-Elysee,
to the Arc de Triomphe.

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An
[...]
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