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1
00:00:03,516 --> 00:00:05,922
Phil, you've so many girls.
It's unbelievable.

2
00:00:05,957 --> 00:00:08,633
- Thanks.
- How do you do it? What's the secret?

3
00:00:08,668 --> 00:00:12,023
Well, Sam, the first thing you have
to do is establish physical contact

4
00:00:12,058 --> 00:00:13,682
with your object of desire.

5
00:00:13,717 --> 00:00:16,388
Okay, like grab-ass or noogies.

6
00:00:16,423 --> 00:00:17,571
No, Sam.

7
00:00:17,825 --> 00:00:19,624
- Hugs.
- Hugs?

8
00:00:19,659 --> 00:00:21,712
- You don't say.
- Watch.

9
00:00:21,747 --> 00:00:23,394
There's the "reunion."

10
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- Sam?
- Phil?

11
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12
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The "hustler,"

13
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the "statue of liberty,"

14
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and the riskiest hug of all...

15
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Hot girl, do you know the Heimlich?

16
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The "safety hug."

17
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- Those were some tasty hugs.
- You bet.

18
00:00:42,118 --> 00:00:44,905
That last girl gave me her phone number.

19
00:00:45,142 --> 00:00:47,924
- 555. There's your first problem.
- Sam.

20
00:00:48,724 --> 00:00:50,439
Welcome to Secret Girlfriend,

21
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the first show starring you.

22
00:00:53,210 --> 00:00:54,829
These are your friends.

23
00:00:54,975 --> 00:00:56,515
This is your ex.

24
00:00:57,131 --> 00:00:59,723
This is the girl you're
hiding from your ex.

25
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Secret girlfriend. Welcome to your world.

26
00:01:02,461 --> 00:01:04,851


27
00:01:05,877 --> 00:01:09,889
Dude, that girl's been staring at
your ass all night. Go talk to her.

28
00:01:09,925 --> 00:01:12,917
If a girl like that was throwing me
those kind of looks, she'd already be

29
00:01:12,927 --> 00:01:14,182
in the backseat of my car disappointed.

30
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- Go. Chat her up. Engage.
- Go. Go.

31
00:01:19,317 --> 00:01:22,975
We're the only family I know
that has week-long reunions.

32
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At least this year it's in Hawaii.

33
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Oh, my uncle passed out t-shirts

34
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that say, "14th annual Johnson invasion."

35
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Yeah. Awesome seeing your grandma
in one of those. Miss ya.

36
00:01:35,923 --> 00:01:38,315
This is madness. You can't bench yourself.

37
00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:40,738
You can have any lady in here.

38
00:01:40,922 --> 00:01:44,823
Hey. I like Jess, but you're not even
dating. And if you were, she's in Hawaii.

39
00:01:44,858 --> 00:01:47,890
Probably macking it with
a cabana boy named Diego.

40
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"Hola, I am Diego.

41
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- I will rub you in many locations."
- Si.

42
00:01:52,397 --> 00:01:55,653
I learned English at
Arizona state university.

43
00:01:56,576 --> 00:01:58,157
You know, actually, I'm happy.

44
00:01:58,192 --> 00:02:00,846
If you're gonna put your dick on ice
tonight, maybe you could help us out.

45
00:02:00,881 --> 00:02:06,133
Great call, Sammy. We don't have to eat your
leftovers tonight. We can have your entrees.

46
00:02:06,367 --> 00:02:08,420
Finally some sloppy firs
[...]
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